small pine in snow
small pine in snow
I put this together over the last few months. I need to work on better ways to record voice, to improve sound quality, but then… I could tweak forever.
My husband and I have made some hard choices with our lives. We are introverted, and intensely interested in understanding things, and neither of us had ever been particularly drawn to working with kids before we married. So… we decided to go ahead and have four kids by birth and then proceeded to adopt two more! We home- school. I have always stayed at home with our kids.
Did we choose these things because we feel like this is what all moms should do, for religious reasons? No. Absolutely not. We simply both always wanted to give the gift of homeschooling to our kids, the gift of opportunity to pursue interesting things. We both are passionate about education, about learning, and we wanted to share this with our kids. We felt homeschooling gave us the best chance to do this. Not that it is the only way to do so, but possibly the best that we could offer. My husband had the job he liked and my college degree was not a career path I wanted to follow.
This last year was very very hard. The adoption of children suffering from the trauma caused by neglect and abuse, and years of moving from home to home in the foster system, has been incredibly tough. Their behaviors and the changes we’ve all had to go through in adopting them into the family have caused all of us more stress than we had hoped. It is real. But we felt and continue to feel that difficult things are worth doing. These children are precious and need love, need acceptance, need to be wanted.
For this coming school year we have made the hard decision to send three of our children to a charter school, hoping that the provided structure and presence of additional adults might help one or two of them specifically. We also feel the kids may need some separation, as anxiety and stress seems to be running rampant through the whole family. We will see how it works out, and we keep the homeschooling of all of them in our back pocket. Our oldest studied through an online school this last year, and although he stressed a bit too much about the work involved, actually expressed that he liked it and especially the chance to be in the same class with his cousin who lives distantly. My second oldest plans to do this same school this year. This will leave one for which I will need to do all of the work, one who we think could use more attention that we weren’t able to give so much of this past year. We will see how it goes.
It is so so easy to be bogged down in the seemingly mundane details of everyday life. This is something I have struggled with regularly. It is easy to allow myself to feel jealous: jealous of women who can leave home to work at a meaningful job where their interaction is with adults; jealous of moms who send their kids to school – allowing at least a few hours each day when they are not accosted with kids’ questions, needs, demands, problems, or wants and actually have time to be creative; jealous of my husband who goes to work and studies hard scientific problems for hours at a time; jealous of people who have friends who offer them things – meals, cleaning, etc. – or who simply like to hang out with them; jealous of people who seem to have it all together and seem to acquire close friends at all.
But really, this is being idealistic about others, because I feel overwhelmed. The reality is that we all have our struggles. We all have our gifts. We all have our problems. There is no rosy perfect life, and we each have to make our own choices within our lives. Some of us make tough decisions, some of have tough things fall into our laps.
Meanwhile, tomorrow I have to get up… again. I have to get breakfast …again. I have to again care for the kids’ needs, clean, do dishes and laundry, put out fights, separate children, comfort hurts. I have to face the reality of being screamed at, being hit, being contradicted and argued with, and being followed around all day because one little person can’t figure out how to play with others well. I have to address rudeness with kindness and reminders to retry with respect. I have to try not to take things personally… again.
The mud of every day doesn’t stop. We have to keep wading through it. We need to keep seeking moments of peace. We need to appreciate the little things throughout the day to keep us going. Some of you have friends and family who actively support you, appreciate them.
It’s been hard to post lately. I’ve felt so beat down for months. It is hard to find time for true silence. I didn’t feel like I had anything to say. I have taken few images other than those snapped quickly in a moment – nothing worth talking about except to share with family.
Last weekend we tried camping one night with the whole family. As should be expected, one of our little ones who we adopted (the one who wears me down all day with the need for constant attention and little attempts at control with rude statements and contradictions, if not full blown yelling and tantrums) didn’t deal well with the stimulation and being required to lie quietly among the other 7 people in the family in the tent without being disruptive and trying to seize control of another moment. We didn’t even get to try sleeping till midnight or later, and then all night there were interruptions – someone crying, someone too scrunched up in their sleeping bag, one of the dogs stepping on someone, etc, etc. We were exhausted.
But breakfast went pretty well, cooked over the campfire. And then, after packing up, we took one last hike.
My youngest relished it. She walked next to her daddy and stopped to investigate little flowers and plants all along the trail. That night in bed she confided to me: “I wish plants could be alive!”. I told her “They are, but just not like us”. She said “I wish they could be like us and pull up their roots and walk and talk!”.
It occurred to me that this is exactly how we should cherish the world around us. Each little plant is valuable and beautiful. It is worth stopping to consider it. While it is relatively easy to say each person is valuable and beautiful, it is easier to say than act on. But I think if we consider the least of the living things in this way – as worthwhile – then the rest of life follows. That little plant growing off of the roots of oak trees is beautiful. The tiny flowering plant is beautiful. The wee horned lizard that hopped across the trail is beautiful. The little child and all their feelings and thoughts is worth our time and love. The child who struggles with voicing his/her inner turmoil, who struggles with trust, is worth us sticking with them. You are worth it, you are worth spending time considering and loving.
I started writing this in January, and just now have decided to finish the thought and publish it.
I think we all have internal things we need to process, but to process them is difficult.
When we begin to do so, the easiest first (and possibly only) step we can/may take, is to blame someone or something for what we are feeling. It dissolves us of too much effort. Maybe there is someone or something that is at least partially to blame for things we have experienced, but if we leave it at the blame, we take no responsibility for our response.
Once we blame, it is very easy to continue to be sidetracked into sharing or even looking for more opportunities to blame. I see people blame family, friends, the medical system/doctors, vaccines, the government, religious organizations/churches, schools, teachers, other government organizations, pesticides, GMOs, and the list goes on. It is so much easier to jump on a bandwagon of blame than to face our own response to setbacks in life and take responsibility for changing ourselves. It is much simpler to “get out” our frustration through the process of blaming, or make ourselves feel better by letting everyone know how opinionated we are on some issue, than to stop and consider what we are doing to change ourselves.
Do any of these blame-able things actually cause problems? – maybe so, probably so. But am I a perfect person who always does everything right? No, I just wish I was. When you combine multiple finite people in any group or organization, failure happens. Communication can break down, things move more slowly, mistakes happen, people make bad choices. I cannot be responsible for the failures of others. I can only be responsible for my own failures, and my own responses to setbacks. Each of us have the choice to respond and grow from every experience, or to remain in a grudge.
I alone can choose to allow myself to be challenged to grow as a person. I can choose to let my experiences make me more understanding, more loving, and maybe just a little bit more kind.
When we are faced with silence, we have the opportunity to face our internal dialog, our thoughts. And this is important. Incredibly important. As a parent, I need to find silent times in order to process all my conflicting thoughts and desires. If I hide them with noise and human interaction, I only put off what I really need to do to become a better parent, friend, partner, child.
In silence, I face myself. I can be honest. I can explore my feelings, verbalize them, and work through them. I can allow myself to feel sad and lonely or whatever else I’m feeling. I am not always able to solve problems, but I can make choices for how to proceed myself.
I created this little video, to share a little of the local hiking experience, and my love of wild and lonely places – even if it’s minutes away from the city.